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The Devil Within

That self destructive voice continued speaking to me. That devil ….. you probably know the one. The one that tells you it’s ok to eat off plan. The one that tells you it’s ok to skip working out.

Yes the devil within told me “run and hide… disappear…. you are safe there.”

It didn’t take that long and this Angel had Fallen.

I made a ½ effort in October as my favorite event of the fall is Halloween. I was enthused and ready to make sure this years Fallen Angel Halloween Costume was going to fit. My intensions were good as of my last blog back in September. I was aware I was faltering and wanted to correct sooner rather than later. I starting exercising and eating better but I got sick a couple days mid month in Octobber which resulted in me not following through on my plan.

My costume did fit thankfully but I had put on 13 lbs from my all time low. I love this Halloween party and I attend annually. Ironically my weight from 2017 and 2018 for this party is only a couple pounds different, yet I feel I look totally different!

I felt it worth sharing these pictures because my body didn’t look the same at all.

Working out has certainly paid off even if my eating wasn’t what it should be.

Next thing you know November rolled into December and the intensity of work load was at an all time high. I was under extreme pressure forced to do aspects of my business that in 20 years I have never ever wanted to do. There was no holiday slow down in sight for me and I dislike my situation so much that I would literally stand in the mirror and give myself a pep talk every morning to find the strength just to go to work. I put on a fake smile and give it my 150% best every single day. The same determination I have used to accomplish my weight loss goals was now being focused into simply surviving this new job.

I ran myself down and again found myself sick 2.5 days in December missing work. To add to that our office was closed for 4 days with the Holidays as well leaving me a very limited time frame to get these loans closed.

In that month our team closed more loans than we have since I joined the teamed at the end of May. My team didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas.

December I ate more take out, made fast food runs and ate more comfort food than I have in two years. Even when I faltered in the previous fall I didn’t make fast food runs! I only made it to the gym 4 times in the whole month of December. I had to hear my father yell at me each and every time I walked into the kitchen. Frankly this was just making it worse.

I love my dad but he doesn’t like fat people and has on more than one occasion told me he was embarrassed of me when I was fat.

Couple that with some truly inappropriate comments on a very popular social media site ……. private messages to me when I don’t even know this person other than he is the husband of someone’s daughter on our dock. I literally have been asked by numerous different men if I am interested in engaging in something casual. These men don’t even know me and these comments continue to fuel me wanting to retreat and hide.

I am most comfortable being fat, I feel safer and this is a very difficult mindset for me to overcome. It's my devil within. The little devil voice was winning. Telling me, don’t step on that scale. Everything is just fine your size 6 jeans (with stretch) are still zipping. December 2, 2018 I was weighing 177.

I have no idea how those jeans were zipping but they were but in the very last week of December my newer clothes felt uncomfortable and were barely zipping.

January 1, 2019 I stepped on the scale to see what I already knew. I was weighing in at 188.1 heavier than I was one year ago on that same date..... by 4 lbs.

I no longer am just hearing the Devil Within..... Now I am seeing it!

Enough is enough and it’s time to exorcise this Devil. Halloween is long since over and it's time for this Fallen Angel to rise up!

I want to be healthy physical and emotionally. I want to inspire people and feel good about my choices. I want to put myself back as my number one priority since no one else is going to make me a priority. I need to be at my best so I can give my best to others.

I am happy to report I am back on track and feeling really good about it!


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