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The Devil Returned - Exorcism Completed

I was possessed!

For those of you who followed me and reached out while I was away I am forever thankful. I apologize that I wasn't responsive, I simply have not been in a good frame of mind.

My Halloween costume last year was appropriate I was a fallen angel. In one years time I have gained 53.6 pounds.

Today October 19, 2019 I officially am recommitting ……..starting over.

I had this goal to be fit by 50 years old and in the best physical condition of my life. Well I won't reach that goal by April 12, 2020 as that isn't realistic however I have not doubt that I can do it all again. I have done this now 3 times: Once losing 80 lbs another time losing 65lb and this last time I hit 75 lbs. One thing I know for certain is with hard work and dedication I can be a lot healthier than I am right now and certainly feeling better than I do right now.

Each time I have hit that goal - I am have not comfortable in that skin - in that body. I have eluded to this in many other blogs but simply have not been able to ever write it.

I mentally know why I keep weight on. I feel safer. I was not a heavy kid, I was not a heavy teenager. I started struggling with my weight when I was in my early 20's as a result of two unfortunate circumstances when dates didn't understand that NO means NO.

At my goal weight the normal unwanted attention starts. It started again in the summer of 2018 and It's a trigger that sends me back to wanting to hide. To be in my "safe" place hidden behind weight where I am invisible. That was the trigger and it was down hill from there.

I wasn't adapting to my new job. I was working in the worst environment that I had ever worked in. It was taking it all out of me and just to show up to work. I would give myself a pep talk each day to walk in there. I was working excessive hours often leaving at 8 pm or later. Mentally I was drained.

After 11 months of that I decided that I was going to find another job. At the end of April I found a new job - same line of work different company. I started May 28, 2019. My mother had major back surgery May 22, 2019. I have had my hands full learning all the new things at the new job and helping my mom. I didn't even have the energy to walk down to the boat. I was out on the boat 5 times the entire season.

In part I wasn't down there for the very reason I haven't shown up here. I just hadn't been in a good frame of mind and didn't feel like engaging. A woman neighbor boat owner said hey it doesn't matter you gained weight you should still come down. For 9 Years I have had a boat and only one year had I been a thin person. I have no problem getting into a bathing suit at whatever weight I am - yet dealing with anyone else during this time was simply to much for me. I couldn't put on a fake smile and tell people how great things are so I kept to myself.

I am 4.5 months into the new job now. I was still working late hours and found myself mentally exhausted each day. I reverted back into all my old bad habits. Not eating all day, running through a drive thru which I have a severe problem with. Over eating and only getting 3k steps in a day. That behavior as it always does resulted in a 53.6 lb weight gain in one year.

I am just now beginning to feel comfortable at the new job and able to leave at normal hours.

I am on my first streak I exercised 5 days and I have logged my food for 5 days. I have logged into spark coach this week. I love the exercises spark coach gives and setting small goals and achieving them. I feel good to have taken the first step as it's the hardest.

I am headed to the gym now to simply walk. It's not easy starting over but I am.

I Can and I Will.... Watch Me.

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