In times of struggles/stress I find that I am often looking in the past missing my former best friend.
Shortly before my birthday I was stressed out and I wished I could speak to him. A piece of real estate he previously had interest in just hit the market and I decided to reach out and let him know about it along with inquiring if he had my paddle board. He had asked me last fall to get it and I never did. Recently someone has moved and taken 3 paddle boards off the rack and now there is room for me to have the 2nd one. Ideally it would be nice to find a friend who would like to do this activity with me.
The real estate just gave me an excuse to reach out. I crafted a thoughtful email to him. I ultimately decided I would tell him what an impact his actions actually not only had on me but on others indirectly. After all I started this whole thing to prove to him that I could do this, he was my reason....... in the beginning. I ultimately moved forward for me since it became clear that no matter what on Earth I did ..... it changed nothing. Yet I wanted to show him my gratitude and I shared my success in pictures and let him know that he changed my life and others peoples lives who I have inspired. I showed him my pic on the day I zipped my size 8 jeans and the picture that I show where I started from which he took. In a weak moment I also shared that he is still very much with me every day and that my door is always open.
I opened the door for more rejection .......
I received a typical polite response, thank you for the information on the home. Yes he still has the paddle board and he will get that to me when it stops snowing. Congrats on my physical fitness program. Nothing wrong with that response at all but again not really the response I had hoped for.
I was feeling low about the whole situation and an email came to me from someone here on Spark that I had never spoken to. The email said that they read my words and that I had done amazing then came the following "YOU are worth it!" The message was truly a gift and arrived at a time when I really needed a reminder that I am Worth It. That my value isn't decreased by someone else inability to see my value. That message was truly the message I had hoped for from my former best friend yet it came from a kind person who simply took a moment to encourage another. Thank you Spark friend for that email it truly meant so much.
The snow stopped flying and today came the inevitable text - Hi Lisa is it ok to drop off the paddle board today?
Here we go for the last and final time - I said sure and he had it here this afternoon. It's the first time that seeing him didn't absolutely devastate me.
I grabbed my now size 6 Levi jeans (the 8's are baggy) and put them on and I looked in the mirror and saw someone else looking back at me.
No longer am I the woman who set out to prove to someone else that I could. No longer am I the woman who will allow someone else to determine my self worth. As I looked in that mirror today before I walked down to meet him I realized that my outside now matches my inside. I gave myself a little positive pep talk where I said to myself "I am Worth It and I Deserve Better."
His behavior was softer than the last time he dropped off my fire pit. I asked if he had time for coffee. Of course he declined but said we would catch up soon. He inquired about when I am putting the boat in to which I replied I wasn't sure. I showed him a picture of my developing abs and then he said yes my transformation was amazing and inquired as to how often I am working out. I felt a sense of satisfaction even though he wouldn't come right out and give it to me initially. I had accomplished what I am certain he thought I could never do. I had made so many positive changes in my life and there he was the same.
A part of me felt sad for him as he drove off I took my paddle and walked back toward the condo. He turned that truck around beeped and waved and we had already said bye. It made me feel as if in that moment I truly had the last word and finally I feel complete. I know I am Worth it and I know I Deserve SO Much More.
I am focused on truly trying to live in the moment. I don't want to live in the past and the future is not a given. I only have this moment right now and I am thankful for it and want to appreciate the moment, be present.
It is with much gratitude that I send thanks to a few other Spark Friends who have helped me survive this particular situation. I appreciate all the times you listened when I was no longer able to discuss this situation with my friends.
I Will....Watch Me