It was a beautiful walk last Monday morning, just my shadow and I. I was meeting a new personal trainer after work but really wanted to get my 10,000 steps in. The weather was mild and off I went.
Walking has always been therapeutic for me, and I am struggling right now. I am going through the motions and examining a lot of things but I lost my Why this week.
A spark friend mentioned that the “Why” probably changes during this journey and there is great wisdom in that comment. I suppose that is true.
It occurred to me that it doesn’t matter how much weight I lose, the person who challenged me without saying the words to do it will not be coming back into my life.
My motivation that the boat was coming out was really code for I will see my former friend when the boat comes out as he will be returning my things. I had hope that things could change.
The reality is:
Reality - Weight loss isn't going to change someone else's mind.
Reality - the friendship and person I have been mourning hasn't been that person for over two years.
Reality - I am an Adult child of an alcoholic and I was willing to do anything to save a relationship, rather than face the pain of abandonment.
The friendship actually ended back in March of 2016 when I inquired about his health. He seemed to often be in extreme neck pain and wasn't anywhere close to the person I knew and cared for.
I allowed him to treat me poorly thinking that he was under extreme stress with a family situation and potentially wasn't feeling well. Week after week there was some undertone of anger toward me that I didn't understand. That day in March I stood up for myself. His response was something I wasn't expecting. He pointed his finger at me and said "How dare you inquire about my health when you neglect yours. What do you have to say for yourself?" he screamed. I calmly said, I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic to which he replied, "you are not an Alcoholic". I said "I didn't say I was I said I am an Adult Child of An Alcoholic". I wanted to talk to him about that but he dismissed me and went upstairs to his office. I left and walked home crying. I needed the walk and refused to get in the car when he tracked me down.
Our friendship and the terms of it changed that day, he hung out last summer but he was only along for the ride. When the summer ended so did our time spent together because his sports were back on and he had been deleting me week by week since that day in March.
Needless to say my Why was not really for me - it was for him. I quit smoking 7 months ago for him. I haven't smoked since for me but I quit for him. This weight thing is no different and now that I know he won't be coming back I need to transition to truly doing this for me.
One might think that it should be a simple choice to continue to move forward just as I did with the smoking. Unfortunately not so easy for me. I have returned myself to the weight I was when I first met him and it's a "safe and comfortable weight" The majority of my clothes fit and I physically feel pretty good now. However, I know this is not a healthy weight. In my heart of hearts I know I must press forward because I do want to be active and healthy as I get older.
While walking Monday morning, I snapped a picture of my tall thin shadow. The thinner person within who will eventually be making another reappearance. (Although I will admit I will never be tall as that shadow as my height is only 5'4").
Who is that person....... the thinner version of me? It’s been 10 years now since my other side has made an appearance. Ten years ago I reached my goal for just long enough to zip those size 8 jeans that still are in my closet with tags on! Yet I retreated to the safety of my heavier version the moment those were zipped.
It took time to put the weight back on and I would hit that 200 mark or 210 and go back at it again, to stop just about where I am right now or 10lbs lighter. Some of you may ask what I mean by the safety of my heavier version. Others know what I mean.
When you are heavier you often exist in the shadows. One young lady has invisible written in her screen name. That is a good way to describe it.
For many many years I have made a choice to stay in the shadows, invisible. I know the reason I have continued to do it and all these years later I still don't have a "fix" for that. Along with emotionally coming to terms with that reason, I suspect I also need to fix the adult child of an alcoholic in me. It is written that Adult children sometimes like to be the “rescuer” and will form relationships with others who need their help, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. What happens is that they place the focus on the needs of someone else whilst not having to examine their own difficulties and shortcomings.
I am tired of rescuing and fixing every thing and everyone else. I need to stop hiding, move out of the shadows, and get into the game for me. It's a very personal journey and for me the weight I carry is not the cause but rather a symptom of a broken self.
The week was difficult and although unhappy with the gain in some aspects I think I am making progress. I indulged some last night having fish and chips not in a proper portion, certainly not the end of the world and not the reason why my weight was up.
Today I am back at it still emotionally struggling but not giving up.
I Can and I Will ....Watch Me