I read an article on Spark People not long after I started this process. The article stated losing weight isn't going to make you happy. I thought long and hard about that and started evaluating and looking within.
"Digging In the Dirt to Find The Places I Got Hurt" - Peter Gabriel This is something that seems to be an ongoing process. As I transition my body my mind is also making a major transition.
I am tired of people I know coming up and commenting about how much happier they think I am. It's an assumption that people make based on nothing else but what you look like. I find it insulating. If I am honest the fact is currently I am more UNHAPPY than I was a year ago with many area's of my life. I am simply opting to deal with stress differently than I have in the past and rather than make choices that were harmful to my health I am working toward making choices that are better for it.
Meanwhile I have worked hard to improve my health. I stopped smoking first which made me find an alternative way to deal with situations that I used to simply "smoked off" If didn't like what someone said rather than speak up or use my voice I would go outside and light up.
Only 90 days after I quit smoking I decided to tackle my weight. I soon discovered that I used food in the same manor. I would eat and stay silent rather than tell someone what I really thought or cause confrontation. Clearly a problem and in order to be able to make this work for me for the long term I need to address it.
What I am finding out each and every day is that situations that I once used to go and smoke off and/or eat off I find completely NOT ACCEPTABLE in my life. The word TOXIC comes to mind.
Recently I have been told by my father that he was ashamed of me when I was "fat", not once but numerous times he has said this. I find this comment NOT ACCEPTABLE. This is what you say to your daughter?
He has also numerous times said "Now that you have lost weight you sure do have an opinion" It becomes very obvious to me in these two comments this is how I learned to smoke it off and/or eat it off. My father believes and expresses on a regular basis that woman are to be seen and not heard. The man will not even dine at food establishments where a "fat woman" is a bartender. Again these idea's and comments I find NOT ACCEPTABLE and abusive.
As I write this it also becomes very clear to me why I have conflicted opinions about myself.
I have often thought but not voiced that I am a kinder and friendlier version of me when I am heavier than when I am thinner. The reality is when I am heavier I simply keep my mouth shut and go along to get along. As a heavier person I also found you have to be kinder because so many people feel the way my father. I felt I had to work harder for someone to actually SEE me for the true person I am and accept me. Just my opinion but this is the very reason the expression "FAT PEOPLE ARE HAPPY PEOPLE" comes from. They have to over compensate to be seen.
The thinner version of me doesn't need to work so hard to be accepted or treated properly by people. I have to share this story from the last time I lost 80 lbs about 10 years ago. I worked in the same office building for years. Once I reached the weight I am now men would run to open the doors for me in the office building. Same men who didn't notice me when I was heavier. I saw these men as completely shallow and not worthwhile.
I had another family incident last night that I found unacceptable and I don't care to share the details but today I have spent alot of time once again "Digging in the Dirt". I am searching for some balance between the old heavier version of me and the thinner opinionated version of me according to my father.
Emotionally struggling today but not self soothing, not turning to food I made the choice to exercise and walk it off today rather than binge or buy a pack of cigarettes as I am just a few days away from hitting the one year smoke free mark!
I am determined to find and create a healthy emotional environment for myself just as I am determined to continue on this path and not slip back to my unhealthy habits.
I Will.... Watch Me.....